My heart grumbles ... it is still full of "what ifs" and doubts. At nearly 43 I'm starting to wonder if my life has amounted to enough. I look back at the past 40-plus years and wonder if I too have been wandering and grumbling and leaning too much on my own understanding.
Even though the LORD had provided manna from heaven and water from the rock, they craved for other food ... they even longed to go back to their dark days of captivity ... and so they grumbled ... and God answered. He gave them so much quail to eat that they had it coming out their noses! I wonder if that's where the phrase "be careful what you hope/pray for" came from? But I, like them, far too often crave that which I do not have ... and in so doing I am grumbling against God because I'm demonstrating that I am not truly thankful for all that God has given me.
As we progress through "The Story" (Zondervan's abridged version of the Bible), I continue to be reminded that it all boils down to trust. Do I trust God? Do I trust that God is? Do I trust that God can? Do I trust that God is with me? Do I trust that God is God and that there is no other? Do I trust ...
I remember a time that I climbed a mountain in Ecuador with some friends. We actually drove up most of the mountain. At the top of the mountain, Pichincha, is a peak whose name I've long since forgotten. (I just looked it up and it is called Rucu -- which means "old man.") It was getting late in the day and the vehicle we came in had a set departure time as a few of the people with us had a flight to catch. But not satisfied with how far/high I had come, I decided that I needed to climb to the top of the peak.
(I did not take this picture. It was taken by Tim W. Ryan and is posted at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Rucu_Pichincha_and_Trail.jpg)
I was the only one foolish enough to keep going ... and extremely foolish for going it alone. But I climbed that peak. Somehow I made it to the top. I was elated. I felt like I had accomplished something. When I got back down every one would be impressed. But all of a sudden I realized that I could barely see. The clouds had come in suddenly from no where. And I could barely see my own feet let alone see well enough to see the path I had taken just moments before.
I could hear my friends calling out to me from below. It was time to leave. They couldn't see me and I couldn't see them. Panic started to set in as I imagined them leaving without me. My first thought was that I was going to have to spend the night on the top of this peak. I began looking for firewood so that I could build a fire to keep warm ... until I realized that I had no matches and that there was absolutely nothing that would burn to be found.
As I stumbled around in the clouds on top of that peak, I began to fear that I might die. I had never experienced anything like this before. I don't remember if I started praying or not, but I'm pretty sure that I was calling out to God for help. Suddenly I saw what looked like a ravine that had been filled in somewhat by a rock slide. I didn't know how far down the peak it went, but I figured I might be able to slide down it. And so I did ... and eventually ... somehow ... made it back to the van ... just in the nick of time.
I don't know whether I ever thanked God for saving my life that day, but I'm pretty sure that God did. I don't remember if I ever told anyone about how scared I had been ... but my guess is that they could see it written all over my face.
I learned that day (although I've had to relearn the lesson many times since) that sometimes it is easier to climb a mountain than to come down a mountain. Going up, the path can seem so clear and obvious. But getting back down can be an entirely different matter. Going up, I trusted in myself. But coming down, I had to trust in God. I had to jump toward that rock slide and trust that God would guide me safely down it.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this ... but the bottom line is that I recognize that I'm still learning to trust in God. Moses too had to learn to trust God and there were numerous times when he failed to do so. I'm hopeful that by the time my journey nears its end that I will have the sort of trust in God that Moses seems to have had by that point in his journey.
So do I choose life? Do I choose to appreciate all the good things that God has given me or do I grumble about the things I don't have, can't have, and shouldn't have? I stayed home this morning from work since Bobby was sick and Lori had to work. I should have just hung out with Bobby, but I busied myself with other things. At one point Bobby came up to me and asked me a question ... sadly I don't remember it ... I took a moment to answer, but then went back to my business. But in that moment, I looked into Bobby's big blue eyes and was moved almost to tears.
He has my eyes ... but his eyes are bluer and brighter. He looked at me with those eyes with complete trust. Whatever he was asking me, he believed that I would give him the right answer. I wonder, when I look to God, do I look to Him with even a fraction of the trust that is in Bobby's eyes when he looks at me ...
Do I trust God?
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